Tuesday, September 12, 2006

12th September 2001

As we walked towards the tube station we felt nothing. The elation that we'd imagined, was missing. The unadulterated joy of the moment was cloudy. We should have been skipping along. What we were actually doing, was urgently scanning the skies for low flying planes. Stupid really, because the whole of London was a flight exclusion zone, but these were newly paranoid times.

Everywhere we looked we were met with the stoney looks of a people in shock. Commuters that were even more silent than normal. Confused punters who had seemingly woken up to a different world. Just like we had that morning.

Our new world, should have been bright and exciting and new. It was something we desperatly wanted to share with anyone who'd listen, but instead the world was grey. The newspapers' shouted the new world order from both front and back pages. The indicator stick, that had been so positive earlier that morning suddenly seemed overwhelmingly negative.

What had we done? No new child should be born to this? No one asks to be born certainly not into a world that can be destroyed in an inkling. Our whole world seemed to be skewing on it's axis. The certainty with which we'd approached life was gone. Our need and want to be parents was being destroyed. Unknowingly we'd set in motion a process that could only end in one conclusion. Or, so we thought.

The negativity that surrounded that time, may or may not have been a contributory factor to the actual conclusion, we will never know. What I do know is had things carried on the way we believed they would, I wouldn't have the two boys I do now and for that I am truly grateful.


Lucy said...

I'm guessing the baby miscarried. Its really hard especially if its the first one.

Six Years Late said...

It was actually a missed miscarriage. The baby stopped growing at about 7 weeks, but failed to miscarry. We only found out at the 3 month scan when nothing showed up in the womb.

Nic had to go through an evacuation procedure, an amazingly traumatic operation and the fact everyne kept saying well your body obviously wants to be pregnant - because she'd held on to the child - was scant consolation.

Curmy said...

Very moving post Six, I too am glad you went on to have your 2 lovely boys.