Wednesday, September 13, 2006

10 things you should never do

1. Never decide that your brother's best mate's sister would be a good choice of lodger. She will smell of wet puppies and she will end up asking if she can get in to bed and watch telly with you both on a Sunday morning.

2. Never turn round and tell your 3 year old off for hitting his brother until you've taken aforementioned 6 month old off the changing table. The littl'un will roll off and land flat on his back

3. Never say 'yeah that sounds like a corking idea', when asked 'I think we should all have a yard of ale with a port and amaretto depth charge?'.

4. Never accept an invite to your boring mate's caravan. The weekend will be forever lost and worse than that, you won't be able to talk to each other when you go to bed, because the walls are too bloody thin.

5. Never make friends with Polish people in nightclubs. They will hound you for months.

6. Never wear a sombrero in Nottingham town centre on a Saturday night. Every nutter and their dog will try and start a fight with you.

7. Never work for Finex Communications

8. Never ever strain too hard on the first day of a music festival. No one wants piles on the first of a 3 dayer.

9. Never try and have sex with your first girlfriend in her parents back garden. Especially if they have security lights.

10. Never let your mates sleep in your parents bed when they're away, however well you clean the house up and wash everything thoroughly, you can be assured you will put the duvet cover back on inside out.


Anonymous said...

Lol. The girlffriend one bringgs back some very painful teenage memories or a party at a mates, a large number of people in various states of drunkeness and me and a girl who I shall call Amanda Cooper as that was her name sneaking off to the end of the garden only to discover after we had - ahem - finished that we were in full view of the entire top floor, including her mother. It was all ok in the end though. Well after I returned from living under an assumed name in Bogota.

The yard of ale one on the other hand sounds like a fine idea.

Lucy said...

Holy Joe Six!
Wet puppies? excuse my naivety but is that good or bad, I won't ask about the other...
Those changing tables are a tad dangerous aren't they.

Six Years Late said...

Her room was an absolute pit. It was in the eves and got really hot if you didn't open the window. She used to have two duvets on her bed and when she woke up in the morning the room was just fuggy. Wet puppies is bad believe me.

Six Years Late said...

In her defence she was a really nice girl, just a bit full on and needy.

Curmy said...

Very funny Six, all from bitter experience I presume !

Six Years Late said...

David by the way you are so wrong about the yard of ale, it almost ended me. The only reason I said yes was I was so pissed already.

Jane said...

hahaha, I have my own list, probably mostly things not to do when drunk or hungover. I'll think about then write them on my own site.

Gavin Corder said...

It doesn't matter what's in it, the bigger the ball (sorry team) at the end of the yard and the calibre of the yard itself the quicker you can drink it.

Seriously. It's the tidal glut thing that buggers it it up. You need continuous air or it glugs and holds you up.

What's in it contributes to how soon you fall over afterwards... but pride is important.

Have I talked to you about the correct technique for standing on your head and drinking a pint in one? (I must. The attendant benefits for intimidating the daughter's boyfriends are profound!)

Doktor Skum said...

i get reasonably sstimulated at the thought of these damp puppies. Tell me more. Did she bathe often?

Doktor Skum said...

i went out with a nice catholic girl for yeARS AND YEARS. we used to go at it like dirty little rabbits round her mums house when every body lelse was "asleep". Her mum used to leave womens magazines lying around with the pages open on sexual health articles and stuff like that.

One of the great loved and lost of my life. I lost her when i met the second loved and lost.