1. Never decide that your brother's best mate's sister would be a good choice of lodger. She will smell of wet puppies and she will end up asking if she can get in to bed and watch telly with you both on a Sunday morning.
2. Never turn round and tell your 3 year old off for hitting his brother until you've taken aforementioned 6 month old off the changing table. The littl'un will roll off and land flat on his back
3. Never say 'yeah that sounds like a corking idea', when asked 'I think we should all have a yard of ale with a port and amaretto depth charge?'.
4. Never accept an invite to your boring mate's caravan. The weekend will be forever lost and worse than that, you won't be able to talk to each other when you go to bed, because the walls are too bloody thin.
5. Never make friends with Polish people in nightclubs. They will hound you for months.
6. Never wear a sombrero in Nottingham town centre on a Saturday night. Every nutter and their dog will try and start a fight with you.
7. Never work for Finex Communications
8. Never ever strain too hard on the first day of a music festival. No one wants piles on the first of a 3 dayer.
9. Never try and have sex with your first girlfriend in her parents back garden. Especially if they have security lights.
10. Never let your mates sleep in your parents bed when they're away, however well you clean the house up and wash everything thoroughly, you can be assured you will put the duvet cover back on inside out.