Oh and...

...Ali Cook scored a third century in his 7th test for England. Seeeee David sometimes I can make a decent prediction.

Meanwhile in South Africa 2

With reference to my 'not everyone loves an underdog' post. This is the kind of thing I like.

Sangakkara and Jayawardene came together with Sri Lanka at 14 for 2 and chasing a meagre 169. So far they have put on 471 runs unbroken for the 3rd wicket, beating the previous World Record of 467.

To put the cherry on the top the record breaking runs came off a dropped catch.

Good on yer boys.

The Hoff's taking the stage

News reaches me from Popbitch that the legend that is David Hasselhoff is ''turning himself into a stage show. David Hasselhoff: The Musical includes sets inspired by, he says, "Knight Rider and the songs of Teddy Pendergrass"."

''''I am also doing a heart-rending set on my life and the mistakes I have made," says Dave. It sounds like a joke, but the show will be opening later this year in Melbourne. "It'swritten by the same people who wrote Bette Midler's show," he says. Which, in musicals,is apparently good. ''''

Meanwhile in a bizarre showbiz collision he's currently appearing on US talent show 'America's got talent' as a judge, with none other than disgraced tabloid hack Piers Moron.

Dear oh dear, and I thought the late 70s variety show was the bottom of the entertainment abyss.

Things I never wanted as a kid!

The last episode of TOTP is to be aired on Sunday. Some say it's the death of an institution. I say...well actually, I'm really not that bothered. I don't remember TOTP being a defining part of my youth. Yes it was around and yes we watched it sometimes. My Dad's in the music business so he regularly had bands on there, but despite that, it was never 'destination television' as a wanky TV exec. would call it these days.

Ten other things I never did as a kid.


1. I never wanted a 'Chopper' or a 'Grifter' - I was perfectly happy with my yellow 'Raleigh Whateveritwascalled'. For one, it was lighter and you could do miles better jumps on it and two, who's going to nick a 'Raleigh Whateveritwascalled', it didn't even have a proper name for God's sake.


2. I never wanted a Scalextric - nope Aurora for me. Same concept, but the cars were smaller, faster and they stayed on the track at full speed for more than 3 seconds.


3. I never had a pair of Farahs - well they were shit weren't they.


4. I never watched Tiswas - My hatred of Chris Tarrant started at age 6 and anyway when Noel tidy beard was on the other side there was no competition. However...


5. I never fancied swapping anything on Swap Shop - even as a child it always struck me that the kids that got on the phone were pressured in to swapping for something that was vastly inferior to what they had on offer.


6. I never had an action man - In retrospect this may have been my pacifist mother's influence, but I can't ever remember wanting one either. Maybe she violently banged it out of me in a fit of uncharacteristic pique.


7. I never wanted a Waddle/Hoddle perm - despite them being all the rage, everyone always secretly knew that the perm at the back, was rubbish. I did however go on to have a mohawk like Jimbob out of Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine (see above). I'll post a picture of me one day.


8. I never wanted a puffball skirt - nuff said.


9. I never watched a single episode of the 6 million dollar man - I have no idea why, completely passed me by.


10. I never really wanted to play football - I wanted to play that sport that Dad swore at on the telly, throughout the late 70s. It sounded exciting and made you cross. I was certainly excitable and a little prone to getting cross. It looked like much more fun and involved far more mud. Dad took me to the rugby club as soon as I was old enough, aged 7.

Will it ever be broken?

It's 50 years to the day since Jim Laker took 19 wickets for England v Australia in the fourth ashes test.

Hats off to Mr. Laker, you may stand immortal forever.

What else is six years late?

Well a quick search reveals:

Bath Spa opening. What an embarrassment. If I lived in the West Country I'd be livid.

A literary correction. I've assured him he really has no need to apologise.

The Walt Disney Concert Hall. What is it with these 'arts' projects.

The Death of compassionate conservatism in the states. Maybe in the states, but the Chameleon's just cottoned on. Who said the Conservatives were lacking ideas.

The Irish National Crime Survey. Weeeeeell, no one believes those surveys anyway do they. There's bound to be another one that contradicts it.

Oh, and me.

Not everyone loves an underdog

So Tiger won the British Open. Good. I wanted him to. Just like I wanted Roger Federer to win Wimbledon. Just like I want Valentino Rossi to win every time he races. Just like I want Chelsea to win every time they play at the moment. Just like I wanted Arsenal to complete the unbeaten season. I want to see the best teams and athletes sweep all before them. I want to see the opposition belittled as if they were still playing at U13 level.

I've never bought in to the romance of the underdog. It drives me mad that Wimbledon won the FA Cup in 1988, because it gives commentators something to go on and on and on and on and on about. I hate that Australian speedskater that won Gold in 2004 Winter Olympics because everyone fell over in front of him. Who cares about Eddie the Eagle, Eddie the Eel or whoever the media's flavour of the month is. If I haven't got some sort of affilitation or money riding on a game, race or whatever, then I always want the favourite to win.

The reason for this is because of the Roy of the Rovers possibilities. When you sit and support Michael Johnson in the 200m and he comes in, in a time of 19.29 sec. leaving eveyone in his wake, those are the moments you savour for the rest of your life. Same as watching Lance Armstrong ride up the Champs Elysees for the 7th time or Michael Jordan play Basketball. I want to see people that are so good at their sport that the authorities have to change the rules to level the playing field, like Wayne Gretzky managed to do in Ice Hockey.

It's extraordinary records I want to see. It's feats of physical endurance and sporting prowess that are beyond imagining. Not the romance of the cup.

''What we don't want to see today Gary, is for Manchester United to simply bulldoze Yeading out of the competition ''

Yes I do. I want them to completely steamroller them. I'd like to see 15 goals today. I'd like them to, so completely outclass them, that you sit back gobsmacked.

So well done Tiger. The only disappointing thing is that you didn't go round in more than 20 under par. That would have really capped it.

Adulthood - a revised definition

Not leaving potatoes on the top of the fridge for so long that you find them crawling with maggots.

Summertime and the living is easy

Wouldn't you love to be this carefree? What happens to that childhood happiness?

Research suggests that the blindingly obvious is in fact blindingly obvious

I think if they'd asked us the Pew Internet & American Life Project might have saved a few quid writing their report

Wooden tabbards

'Jase, Jase'

'Hello mate'

'Look'

'Sorry, I can't hear a fucking thing'

'Look over there'

'What'

'Those blokes, over there'

'Those ones'

'Yeah'

'Why?'

'They've got wooden tabbards on'

'You what'

'Seriously look'

'What are you on about?'

'They bloody have , jesus look so's she'

'They haven't, they're wearing t-shirts'

'Christ, everyone's got one'

'Mate, have a sit down'

'Alright'

Be careful out there in cyberspace

First I'd just like to say hello to Jane, William, Colin, Bob and Cathy.

Now as far as I knew I had a readership of around, oh, 12 people. That's a bit of a cheat as well, because I knew you all from other cyberspace outings. Plus of course, there's my mate Chris, hello Chris hope you're well and possibly Rob and Mary, hello to you two if you're reading this.

Now. We travelled up to Dundee this weekend for my Aunt Cathy's 60th birthday. It was a stonking day for a party, lovely and sunny, but not too hot and with a rather nice cooling breeze coming off the Tay.

My Uncle Bob had sent an invitation in April to the 'surprise' party, so when we got lost driving there - all my fault, stupid man frailties - I panicked a little. The party started at 3pm and there we were buggering about in Dundee city centre as the clock chimed. Now I admit I hadn't gleaned enough information as to the nature of the surprise, so I had horrible visions of everyone hiding behind sofas, urgently whispering, 'where are Nicky, Crispin and the boys, I tell you if they bugger this up I'll...'.

In the event, they'd had to tell Cathy 2 weeks prior as she was planning a trip to Malaysia, so we arrived relaxed. Well as relaxed as we could be following the enormous dressing down I'd had for getting us lost - actually we didn't really get lost, we didn't really know where we were going to start with, something I hadn't mentioned to Nic until we reached Dundee (it's a bigger place than I remembered).

Anyway that's all beside the point. We all exited the car and walked in to the house, something that now takes a military strategist to execute effectively. As we were walking in to the sitting room to dump, the car seat, the bag, the cocoon, blankets, Eben's snacks, a kitchen sink, a small Vietnamese stowaway etc. my Uncle Bob casually said 'Jane's a big fan of your weblog'.

I stopped short of dropping Louis who I had in one hand and the kitchen sink that was perched precariously on a shoulder, but turned round in what I imagine was a completely open mouthed, staggered expression. 'Pardon'

'Yes we were all looking at it last night'.

'Pardon, what, er, how come?'

At that point my cousin Jane said 'I just came across it'

'Eh!!!! How come'

'Couldn't you just google your name to find it' said my Auntie Cathy

'Well not really I've never stated my real name on there and I write under a pseudonym'

As an aside, if you do google my name you will find a website and various other references for an outward bound centre (in Scotland) run by another Crispin Heath and then 4 links down a comment I left on the BBC website regarding the Tony and Gordon 'love in' that constituted the last Labour party election broadcast. I'm really not happy that of all the comment I've made about UK news stories online, that that should be the one that google pitches up. It's an example of me at my most pompous and actually not what I now really believe. Damn the Internet.

'How did you find it?'

'I just came across it while I was surfing' said Jane

'How did you know it was mine?'

'I think I saw your picture'

Now that's double lucky, because although I have posted my picture on here I think it's only been two or three times, so Jane must have happened to land on the page on the day I'd posted my photo. Unless of course you're a really dedicated surfer and read every single line of the pages you land on. Actually Jane you can answer that one, there are so many questions I should have asked but didn't.

Just for the record, there are currently just over 88,000,000 host names registered in the world, of which around 43,000,000 are active. Add in to that the timeliness and it's a pretty random event.

So as I stated earlier welcome to the Scottish branch of my family. Really enjoyed the party.

And Jane as I said - leave a comment.

Church attendance update 2

Since my last church attendance posting on 5th June, we have attended exactly zero times. You may think this shows a distinct lack of commitment, but you'd be wrong.

It turns out that we had attended church the week after all the other charlatan parents had been informed of their child's inclusion or non-inclusion at Emmanuelle St. Andrews primary school. This effectively meant no one needed to go any more so we'd been pitched in right at the deep end.

Local intelligence suggests we go back in late September when a new influx of agnostics and unprincipled atheists will be packing out the pews in search of the holy grail - sorry I mean rightful place at their nearest local school. Christ the education system needs a rethink.

When I was a kid...

...I used to love the domino toppling records on Record Breakers. Well in a new twist these three Japanes guys have turned everything they own into dominoes. This is quality.

This just about sums it up for me

There are sometimes no rights and wrongs, just a blur of human tragedy.

Quote of the day

Well so far anyway. Walking past the Globe an hour ago I heard the following:

''I don't want to see the whole exhibition let's just go in to the foyer and pick up the leaflet. After all Shakespere kinda' gave us history''

I refrained from suggesting they took the time to see the whole exhibition.

Chameleon Infestation

The Bugaboo Chameleon is a product that I have a complete inability to fathom. It's a pram come buggy at the basic price of £600. 600 quid. That's before you've bought any accessories. Now i'm told by owners that a) you can get it customised in any colour (extra cost £150, mind you they do it at the Aston Martin factory - I kid you not) or b) you can pull it across the sand - oh good that'll be useful for maybe 2 weeks in a year. Oh whoopee do, wow that's great, so that's why i can't walk down Northcote Road without bumping in to one.

Now the Porsche Cayenne is the car I see as the most over the top ridiculous waste of money on the road.



However, i kind of understand the appeal of a car, the bugaboo chameleon, just bloody annoys me. Why would you bother. It's useless beyond a year and a half. You can't have a second child in it. Why, why, why. It's getting to a stage now where I'm amazed you don't see more of them stolen. They hold their value amazingly well and they regularly pop up on e-bay, I wish people would start stealing them then maybe it'd put people off buying them.

The sad thing about it is I find myself uttering the words 'more money than sense' but the saying was never more apt.

Those boys

Had an absoluely lovely weekend with the boys who were an absolute joy to be with.


We seem to have turned a bit of a corner with Eben. That's not to say he doesn't spend most of his time tormenting his little brother and spending time on the step for it, but Louis seems to be becoming less frightened and has started smiling at him far more. He also seems to have learnt the art of waving both arms in Eben's general direction to ward him off. When he gets some power behind it, hopefully it may inspire Eben to stop lying on top of him so often.


What I mean by turning a corner is we seem to have found a new equilibrium a way of things not descending in to a huge shouting match. Unfortunately this involves us working 4 times as hard to keep things on an even keel, but it's well worth it.









Problem with fixing this problem though is that the parenting zen has kicked in and Louis's started waking up 3 times a night.

Ah happy days, only 25 or so years to go.

I'm a subscriber

We currently subscribe to 5 magazine titles:

The Spectator - consistently brilliantly written, but has recently caved in and introduced lifestyle and food sections which I simply don't understand

The New Statesman - broad content and very much a refreshing alternative agenda, but there's too much of it

Private Eye - consistently makes me laugh and always read from cover to cover

Time Out - A remnant of the past. Makes us feel like we still go out, when actually we hardly ever do. Having said that the editorial content is always good and it also always makes me proud to be a Londoner

The Week - The best concept for a magazine for the past 20 years. Nicky wanted to get it so that she didn't fall behind on the news and it does keep you abreast of everything in a mere hour and a half.

The reason I post this is I was challenged by a very good friend of mine as to why I bother and he said he'd get bored of reading about current affairs all the time. I take completely the opposite view from Finn in that I can't get enough news and my response was that I always felt I wanted to learn more which he just 'paaahed' at and said 'you don't need to know all that stuff'. Which I was really surprised at initially, but then I got to thinking. Keeping abreast of current affairs is really just a hobby in many resepcts. My friend has a big corporate job, he moves in corporate circles and his main focus is business, which requires a very light touch on current affairs and in many ways his job is his hobby as well.

Funny, I didn't realise I had a hobby.

True beauty

I'd like him to win it now.

Whatever happens...

...I don't want to see Eriksson in this country again.