Thursday, October 05, 2006

New toy evil

If there's one thing I think everyone can agree on, it is that the production team behind the Venga Boys should be hunted down and assassinated. That Euro Trash scum has managed to infiltrate our house, by covert means and captivate my eldest son. Bastards.

Two weeks before Eben's birthday came around, we had a very excited call from his great-grandmother, otherwise known as Gaga (she doesn't mind).

'I've found the most wonderful present for Eben. It's a helicopter and a police car and two police outriders'

'That sounds fantastic Pat' came Nicky's response.

'And guess what? We found it on holiday in Spain'

'What and you bought it all the way home?'

'Yes and do you know what?'


'When we got to the airport, they had all these blasted security check-ins and we weren't allowed on to our flight with hand luggage more than a hand bag's size'


'So I unpacked all the vehicles from the box, wrapped them all individually in towels, put them in our cases and then put them in the hold along with the flattened box'

'Was this all at the check-in desk Pat'


'Didn't that take an awfully long time'

'Oh yes. And we did hold things up rather'

'Yes I'm sure you did'

'Anyway. We're back now and I've unwrapped them all and put them back in the box and it all looks as good as new.'

'Well that's fabulous'

'When you come down can you take it back with you'

'Of course I can, bye bye'


Christ this had better be good.

We picked up the huge wrapped parcel a week later and last week presented it to Eben on his birthday.

After the unwrapping ceremo... who am I kidding... after the feverish ripping off of paper. Behold, a helicopter, a police car and police outriders. Ok so it was a bit plasticey, but it was all pretty robust and Eben absolutely loved it. He's a complete helicopter obsessive. At our place down in Devon there's a family who travel down by helicopter most weekends and the balcony welcome and departure ritual has become as much an integral part of the holiday as going to the beach. There's little else he goes on about for days after, every time we leave.

So it was all good, we could understand why it was transported all the way from Spain. Kind of.




'Yes Eben'


'Eben I'm looking at you'

'Daddy. There's batteries'

'Oh yes, where do they go?'

'In there'


A closer exmaination reveals lights, stiff mechanical looking rotor baldes and a kind of rotating wheelie thing on the bottom. Oh good electronic hell.

Little could we be prepared for exactly what level of electronic hell we were about to encounter.

'Daddy can you put them in'

'Maybe we can put them in later'

'No, now'

'Eben, how do you ask nicely?'

'Put them in NOW PLEASE'

Fabulous. I can't wait for the chocolate birthday cake, he just isn't quite hyper enough yet.

'OK, I'll put them in'

Click, click.

'Can you turn it on Daddy?'

OK, click, whirrrrrr.

Oh for the love of God, who's sick and twisted idea was this? The flashing, gyrating, rotating toy helicopter, was blasting out 'We Like to Party' by the Venga Boys.

Someone has actually sat down, designed and manufactured a Euro-disco helicopter.

Just in case you don't quite remember the Venga Boys 'dance' classic here's a little reminder. I suggest you leave it playing while you read the rest of the post to get a little flavour of the next few moments.


My option of smashing it in to a thousand tiny pieces with the police car is immediately negated by Eben's unbelievable excitement. If he wasn't hyper before he now had Euro-disco induced ADHD.

What to do, what to do. Nic's eyes were pleading. A heart rending look that screamed 'make it stop, please make it stop, you're the man, please just take control, MAKE IT STOP'

'Eben, look you need to put batteries in here as well' I said, pointing at the bottom of the police car.

'I'm not sure that's a particularly good idea, just at the moment babe' Nic spat at me through her teeth.

'We may as well give it a go though eh?' I responded a little too cheerily

'Ok then, LET'S GIVE IT A GO'

'Eben. let's take the batteries out of the helicopter'

'Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo dadddyyyyyyyyyyyyyy'

'But if we don't take the batteries out of the helicopter the police car won't work'


'Well I tell you what. Why don't we just turn the helicopter off for a bit and look at the the police car'


'We like to party, we like to party, we like to party, we like to pa....'

It was at this point I noticed the screaming in my head.

'Come on Ebs, let's just swap them over. Maybe the police car plays a tune as well' Please God don't let the police car play a tune.


Blimey, result. Finally the helicopter got turned off. Silence, blessed silence.

'Put the batteries in, put the batteries in, put the batteries in Daddy'

'Ok, ok'

I look at Nic, she was laughing her tits off. You know one of those maniacal laughs that says - when you come home tonight the boys may be outside, dead in a bin .

Tentatively I transfered the batteries from helicopter to police car.

'Switch it on daddy, switch it on'

I hovered over the switch.

'Switch it on daddy, switch it on daddy'


'Fire, fire. Fire, fire. Fire, fire ratatatatatatatatatata, fire, fire, ratatatatatatatatata'

The doors to the car opened up and the previously unnoticed semi-automatic pistol toting Spanish cops emerge, with the intent of shooting the shit out of the Euro-disco helicopter.

Nic and I entered a strange whirl of emotion. Utter relief at the lack of another Venga Boys classic, tempered by the utter horror at the exposure of our once innocent cherubic child to cop related ultra-violence.

On balance, we're going with the ultra-violence though. I mean they've got a bloody good point haven't they. Shooting down the helicopter was one of my first thoughts after all. We somehow managed to explain that the policemen had managed to get to a blaze before the fire engines and they'd started without them. I think he believed us.

I can only assume that the toy is some sort of hilarious Spanish joke.

'How do you stop a gyrating, runaway euro-disco helicopter?'

'Shoot the bastard down'

Anyway the thank you letter is going out to Gaga today. I should add that it was the 4th rendition.


Les Paul Junior said...

Perhaps it's just me but I don't see the connection between Euro-disco and helicopters.

Whatever next? A lawn mower that plays "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath when you mow the lawn? Perhaps not.

Curmy said...

Six that's so funny, I can just see it all.
Thank goodness we had girls, but they did have a Fisher Price train that you put plastic records in which played tunes as it puffed along.
It used to drive my OH mad when it rammed his ankles !

Sarnia said...


But why oh why did I click on the you tube link? Arrggghhhh!

Rupe said...

very very funny Six.
Thanks for the laugh...most welcome.

Anonymous said...

I don't understand the problem

'The Vengabus is coming
And everybody's jumping
New York to San Fransisco
An intercity disco'

All to an ersatz Hi-Nrg beat. True euro pop classic in my opinion.

Mind you I do really love appaling music.

Off to listen to my collected works of Gina G

Lucy said...

Very good Six, though must say I didn't have you down as a 'babe'.

Still it reminds me ( gosh all us commenters do is reminise [sp?] )of when my brother in law barked
'cant we turn that off before we all go stir crazy'
I laughed and said
'its to late I've all ready gone'
Kids, why do we have them !

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Haley-O said...

Damn! Now I got that song in my head....At least now I feel for you, though. Hilarious! ;)

IsobelMagsBuchan said...

So you don't know about school discos then Six? And birthday parties? I'm laughing my socks off because there is worse to come. Daughter attended first school disco at 4 when she was in Nursery. It's been all Barbie Girl ever since!

Oh and don't ever stay in a hotel on holiday that has a mini mini dissscooooooooo. Parents have to dance to the stuff then as well as listen to it.


Paul said...

Nathalie had a pink Barbie VW Beetle one Christmas that played Aqua(?) singing Barbie Girl. Pink Herbie, as it was known, lost its batteries by Boxing Day.

"Daddy can we get some more batteries?"

"Sorry, the shops don't stock them anymore." (sound of nose growing pinocchio style).