New toy evil

If there's one thing I think everyone can agree on, it is that the production team behind the Venga Boys should be hunted down and assassinated. That Euro Trash scum has managed to infiltrate our house, by covert means and captivate my eldest son. Bastards.

Two weeks before Eben's birthday came around, we had a very excited call from his great-grandmother, otherwise known as Gaga (she doesn't mind).

'I've found the most wonderful present for Eben. It's a helicopter and a police car and two police outriders'

'That sounds fantastic Pat' came Nicky's response.

'And guess what? We found it on holiday in Spain'

'What and you bought it all the way home?'

'Yes and do you know what?'

'What'

'When we got to the airport, they had all these blasted security check-ins and we weren't allowed on to our flight with hand luggage more than a hand bag's size'

'Riiiiiiggggghhht'

'So I unpacked all the vehicles from the box, wrapped them all individually in towels, put them in our cases and then put them in the hold along with the flattened box'

'Was this all at the check-in desk Pat'

'Yes'

'Didn't that take an awfully long time'

'Oh yes. And we did hold things up rather'

'Yes I'm sure you did'

'Anyway. We're back now and I've unwrapped them all and put them back in the box and it all looks as good as new.'

'Well that's fabulous'

'When you come down can you take it back with you'

'Of course I can, bye bye'

'Bye'

Christ this had better be good.

We picked up the huge wrapped parcel a week later and last week presented it to Eben on his birthday.

After the unwrapping ceremo... who am I kidding... after the feverish ripping off of paper. Behold, a helicopter, a police car and police outriders. Ok so it was a bit plasticey, but it was all pretty robust and Eben absolutely loved it. He's a complete helicopter obsessive. At our place down in Devon there's a family who travel down by helicopter most weekends and the balcony welcome and departure ritual has become as much an integral part of the holiday as going to the beach. There's little else he goes on about for days after, every time we leave.

So it was all good, we could understand why it was transported all the way from Spain. Kind of.

'Daddy'

'Yes'

'Daddy'

'Yes Eben'

'Daddy'

'Eben I'm looking at you'

'Daddy. There's batteries'

'Oh yes, where do they go?'

'In there'

'Ah!'

A closer exmaination reveals lights, stiff mechanical looking rotor baldes and a kind of rotating wheelie thing on the bottom. Oh good electronic hell.

Little could we be prepared for exactly what level of electronic hell we were about to encounter.

'Daddy can you put them in'

'Maybe we can put them in later'

'No, now'

'Eben, how do you ask nicely?'

'Put them in NOW PLEASE'

Fabulous. I can't wait for the chocolate birthday cake, he just isn't quite hyper enough yet.

'OK, I'll put them in'

Click, click.

'Can you turn it on Daddy?'

OK, click, whirrrrrr.

Oh for the love of God, who's sick and twisted idea was this? The flashing, gyrating, rotating toy helicopter, was blasting out 'We Like to Party' by the Venga Boys.

Someone has actually sat down, designed and manufactured a Euro-disco helicopter.

Just in case you don't quite remember the Venga Boys 'dance' classic here's a little reminder. I suggest you leave it playing while you read the rest of the post to get a little flavour of the next few moments.

VengaBoys