I went to the doctor for the results of my month 12 check up and found
out I'd reached molecular remission. News I'd been hoping desperately
for and which when delivered left me completely cold. In fact more than
cold the news left me bizarrely flat.
Apparently it's a very common phenomenon and for a wide variety of reasons; you've been the centre of attention and now everyone says 'that's fantastic, wellI'll get on with things now'; having had the attention of doctors, consultants, clinical nurse specialists, trialists, counsellors, fellow patients and on and on, they all suddenly move on and your left to get back on with your life; having decided to live
your life without limits and without regrets suddenly you're back with
a normal lifespan out ahead of you rather than a life that may end any
For me I think it's more complicated, the drug I'm on in all it's wonderful wonderousness, is an inhibitor. That means that it stops the process of mutation of
the disease. What the drug doesn't do is kill the cancer so that it
never comes back, or at least gives you a damn good chance of it not
coming back. So the disease is still there - but it's under control. So
for me remission could just be a stopgap.
Anyway a week on I do feel positive, not ultra positive but positive none the less. I guess one of my problems is that I have a very even personality, the diagnosis never really hit me that hard, so why should it be that the really positive prognosis
make me feel any more euphoric.
As I said at the start. I'm in remission - which is nice.