Monday, January 14, 2008

Britain heads towards hell in a handcart


Now I'm a pretty easy going guy, but even I can be broken. There are some things that just make me apoplectic with rage, oh yes rage I say. There I was this morning reading my paper, over a traditional breakfast of my favourite wholemeal bread and thick cut marmalade* when I read something that nearly made me spit the bugger out.

Yes ladies and gentleman Golden Shred, Frank Cooper's and Rose's are dropping the name Marmalade in favour of 'Orange Jam'.

Do what?

ORANGE JAM. ORANGE JAAAAAAAAMMMM

David Atkinson of Premier Foods - the three brands'manufacturer - was quoted thus “We’re looking at ways of making marmalade more accessible...The challenge is to entice a new generation.” Now granted this press release was probably written by a graduate recently promoted from photocopying duty, but what kind of pisspoor rationale is this. It could apply to anything.

'Yes we're looking at ways of making the Nintendo DS more accessible to pensioners, the challenge is to entice an older generation'

'We're currently looking at ways of making Saga holidays more accessible, the challenge is to entice the frisky fifties'

It's bollocks, why not say it like it is, 'Marmalade is completely unprofitable and we've lost iinterest/patience. Frankly we're happy for it to be manufactured by small organic orangery's and flogged at farmer's markets as a delicacy for £7 a throw. This is just one last desperate throw of the dice before we delete the line'

Anyway, I'm sure it'll inspire a run on supermarkets akin to the Branston Pickle crisis a couple of years ago. Or maybe they thought it's long enough since Heinz pulled off the relaunch coup of the century with Salad Cream and they were pushed for new ideas and thought ah 'we'll do that again'.

(* This is a made up story to make it seem like I have a lovely relaxed breakkie with my feet up. I actually grabbed some crumpets and ate it as the kids ordered me around)

5 comments:

Lucy said...

Paddington bear will return to deepest darkest Peru I fear...

Paul said...

Did you read Caitlin Moran Six?

I'm off to buy up all the jars with the word Marmalade on them I can find.

Les Paul Junior said...

The end of the world is surely nigh!

If they ever try a trick like that with piccalilli (bloody hell, that took some spelling!) I will go postal!

Span Ows said...

hahaha...I enjoyed this post as I hadn't ehard anything about this or the Branston saga (linked)

In spanish guess what the word for jam is?...you guessed it ...mermelada

Blanche said...

People should read this.