I've watched this clip four times now and it just gets funnier every time.

Late night garage peril

There are times when you have to make a late night trip to the garage. For some reason we managed to run out of milk, bread and cereal all at once and we forgot to go and buy any yesterday, so we ended up in the garage buying basics at 11.30 last night and what should we bring home, but this evil.

Best of Both? What the hell is that all about, it's a the shittiest loaf of bread i've ever had the misfortune to consume.

It somehow claims that it has the goodness of wholemeal in a white loaf. What a lot of crap. Firstly it's like eating dough, it falls apart in your hands and tastes like cardboard. Hovis should be fined millions of pounds for foisting this crap on to the British people.

The GOP take one hell of a beating

Rick Santorum who just lost his seat to Bob Casey Jr. in Pennsylvania by a spectacular 18 points. The family are taking it well.

On the day, Santorum's youngest daughter was distraught that she was forced to wear an oversize Amish doll's dress.

Oops I think John Kerry might have upset US troops

At least they've got a sense of humour.

It's time to give it up now

I just got off a tube where I sat opposite a couple around my age with what I reckon must have been an 11 year old son and a 13 year old daughter, presumably on half term holiday.

The girl was sporting a Rolling Stones tour tee-shirt. Now if I'm correct the children's, grandparents would have been listening to Exile on Mainstreet for the first time around the time the parents were born.

Is it just me or is it really time for the Stones to just admit that, it's past mossy and moved into fungal territory. I mean I know they're the world's biggest tax evading rock whore's but there comes a time when everyone just has to have the good grace to realise that when you wrote these lines this may actually apply to you on stage:

When your spine is cracking and your hands, they shake,
heart is bursting and you butt's gonna break.
Your woman's cussing, you can hear her scream,
you feel like murder in the first degree.
Ain't nobody slowing down no way,
ev'rybody's stepping on their accelerator,
don't matter where you are,
ev'rybody's gonna need a ventilator.

Right I'm sick of this now

When the rain started in early September I was really pleased. What with the drought and the reservoirs being at record lows I knew it could only be a good thing. However, my bonhomie has all but run out now.

Normally when people go on about how it's raining all the time, it's crap. It's actually just a perception. I know this because I'm a commuter cyclist. Even when people percieve that it's raining a lot, you actually don't get caught in the rain very often when you're cycling in or out, maybe once every 7 or 8 cycles.

This autumn though it's more like 2 out of every 3 and it's been like that for about a month and a half and to add to that it's now dark and windy and cold. I can deal with dark and windy and cold, but dark, windy, cold and wet pisses you off after a while.

Say what you like about the Roonster, but the guys an athlete.

My lovely, sex obsessed grandmother

This post is somewhat inspired by Shy's.

My Grandma was the youngest of seven by some way she had three elder sisters and three elder brothers. Their house sounds somewhat bohemian. Her sister Kitty was a music hall star in the 1920s and 30s, her brother Wally a poet and four of the seven played concert standard piano. Their mother who sounded like a saint (sorry was a saint) regularly cooked 8 different evening meals for the different members of the household at anything from 6pm to 11.30pm depending on when they deigned to pitch up. She refused to cook anything beyond that though and anyone after that had to make do with whatever was left for them in the aga.

Winnie (my grandma) was 20 years younger than her oldest sister and only 2 years older than her first neice so she remained the baby of the family throughout her time at home until she married Jack (my grandfather), spoilt rotten, something she retained for her entire life.

She had the most rose-tinted view of the world it is possible to imagine, she hated conflict and simply couldn't understand why anyone would ever fall out. It's something that my father had a very hard time with. When my mother was very ill, he had a nervous breakdown and when he finally found the right counsellor they established that the breakdown was less about my mother's illness and more about his relationship with his mother ('typically fucking typical' as he succinctly put it).

There are two stories that I remember my Grandmother for. As she got older, she became increasingly frank about her sex life and I will always remember a particularly excrutiating visit with my dad and my brother, where we spent around 40 minutes explaining exactly what lesbians did, a conversation that spanned everything from double ended dildos to cunnilingus technique.

Anyway, the first was a conversation she had with a neighbour of 6 years. In the garden one afternoon with tea, her neighbour seemed slightly distracted and uncomfortable. My grandmother picked up on this (very unlike her) and asked why she was so uncomfortable and there proceed a ten minute back and fotrth

'no, no, no I'm fine'

'no go on what's wrong'

'it's really nothing, honestly'

'well there obviously is, go on you can tell me'

Finally the neighbour caved in and said 'well I just wanted to ask something really'

'yes what is it'

'Er well'

'Yes, go on you can ask'

'Well it's about you and Jack'

'Yes'

'Are you very happy?'

'Yes we're happy'. My Grandmother was somewhat puzzled by the question 'Why do you ask?'

'Well errr'

'Spit it out Maureen'

'Well do you and Jack have errr'

'Have what?'

'Have relations...errrr... you know errr... every night'

This somewhat floored my Grandmother. After all this was pre-sexual revolution in Wisteria Lane and their boys were all at the grammar school together, sex wasn't a regular topic of conversation.

'Why would you think that?'

'Well it's just that every night when we're in bed around the same time we hear you'

Already on the floor, my Grandmother had nowhere to go, but to let her jaw drop open. Her neighbour looked highly embarrassed by this point and the tea and cake started to look like the only way they were going to make their way out of this situation. Except the neighbour's trooper-like spirit carried on to her credit.

'Are you always ready Winnie?'

'Pardon?'

'Well that's what you say'

Grandma was suddenly perplexed.

'What do you mean?'

'Every night, it's what you say'

'I do?'

'Yes, every night we hear 'Jaaaaack. I'm ready''

My grandmother collapsed into uncontrollable giggles. It was the neighbour's turn to look perplexed. 'What have I said Winnie?'

'I should tell you something' she said through stifled laughs 'Every night when I go to bed, I go up around 20 minutes before Jack and get ready for bed. I have a wash, take my make up off and get my nightclothes on. When I'm finished I get into bed and shout down to Jack 'Jaaaaack. I'm ready' at which point he comes up to bed with me, bearing the cup of tea he prepares for me every night'

I don't think the two neighbours ever ventured in to that territory again.

After telling us that story however, she tagged on the information that actually she and Grandad did tend to go at it most days, but actually she was a bit of a morning person really. Apparently he was a very good lover. Thanks Grandma.

The story becomes even funnier in the context of the second tale.

Married in the late 30s and despite her rather bohemian background Grandma came to marriage with no knowledge of sexual relations whatsoever. After a year of a very happy marriage, her sisters started to become a little concerned. Various hints and half conversations had been completed that suggested that Grandma was getting a little frustrated at not getting pregnant. Fair enough concerns after a year, but something about her concerns didn't ring true and the sisters had an inkling what it may be. Dory her next sibling, at 7 years older was despatched to have a chat and they went for a walk in the park. During the walk Dory brought the conversation round to the delicate matter of pregnancy.

'How often are you trying Winnie?'

'Every night'

'Really' said Dory rather startled

'And are you comfortable with it?'

'Absolutely, why wouldn't I be'

'Well a man can often be a little forceful in these situations and I wouldn't want you to feel uncomfortable.'

Silence

'Not that I'm saying Jack is forceful'

Silence.

'Oh Winnie I'm sorry i didn't mean to...offend'

'What do you mean?'

' Pardon?'

'What do you mean force himself on me?'

'Well you know, against your will'

'I have no idea what you're talking about'

This left things rather delicately balanced. Dory was caught in a maelstrom of emotion. She may have opened a can of worms. She may have forever offended her sister for suggesting her brother-in-law was a marital rapist.

'We just turn the lights off'

'Riiight'

'And that's it'

'Riiiight and you're comfortable with that'

'It's what I've always done Dory. What are you on about?'

'Well it's not what you've always done is it Winnie'

'Yes it is, you know I hate the lights on'

'No, no. You know what I mean'

'No. I really don't'

After a great deal of toing and froing Dory finally established that in a year of marriage the newlyweds were yet to consumate it, which somewhat explained the lack of pregnancy. Dory explained the birds and the bees and after a deal of education my Grandmother exclaimed. 'How frightful'. I'm not sure what would have happened if they'd never had the conversation.

Anyway, the great sexual revolution occured that night by all accounts, however Grandma found the whole thing terribly disappointing. 'Is that it? I thought it went on all night'. Honestly women.

My randy grandma will always live on happily in my memory.

Ku Klux Klan angry at call to remove hoods

Ok so it's just the Onion in disguise, but this from News Biscuit made me laugh.

Unknowing pescatarian

It suddenly struck me last night that in the past month I have only eaten meat 6 times and of those, 4 times it was chicken or poultry. I think this is a direct result of switching to an entirely organic diet. We suddenly realised exactly how expensive meat should be, if it's raised properly and as a result started to get more creative.

We're eating a hell of a lot of fish, lots of sardines and mackrel and salmon, far more pulses, chickpeas and lentils have come to the fore and generally a lot more vegetarian food. I have to say I feel better now than I have done for many a year, but that's a whole other blog (which I am working on incidentally).

But it's odd how you can quite unwittingly almost become vegetarian. I eat fish in my sandwiches every day, so it's pescatarian really.

Have to say though writing this I'm salivating for Roast lamb, I'm definitely not going to become a witting vegetarian.