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Blimey

Louis top, Eben bottom.

Well I promised photos so here goes - First of errr some scroll for more

Heeeeeerre's Louis. Thing is with Lou is if you put him in pink he'd easily pass as a girl

Ebs

Oh and Joan his preschool leader, the most wonderful woman you'll ever meet.

The Grandparents

That's Nic's mum (Nana) with Anthony Gormley and my Step-Mother (Granny) at Eben's graduation.

Eben and Daddy

Otherwise known as achingly proud Dad. By the way, we went to the Star Wars exhibition for us not them.

The pox

This was taken today. God knows how but these don't seem to be bothering him.

And last it's us

I think this is probably the only shot of us all together that exists.

Aaaaaaand breathe

We've been a bit busy. Actually that's an understatement, we've been running around like people possessed, but finally I think we're about to hit a bit of a clear run.

We finally moved, but part of the issue is that Nicky's been taking Eben back to preschool in Streatham, which is an hour and a quarter each way. We felt it best from a continuity perspective for him to finish along with all the other kids at the end of term, rather than him being spirited away at the end of one week. I'm glad we made the decision, because he's had his fun day and graduation ceremony (funny little 3 and 4 year olds running around in paper mortar boards and scrap material gowns) all of which bring a finality to things which I think will really benefit him, but it has added to the timelessness of everything.

The move went well, we're now fully paid up Reigatians and without doubt moving out is the best decision we've ever made. My mind was made up when I was running in the woods behind our house and my path was crossed by a startled roe deer.

Although we did an awful lot of research about where we were going to move to - in fact it took us a year trawling around the country to all sorts of different locations as far afield as South Manchester - I don't think we quite realised just what an unbelievable location we'd chosen. When we decided on the exact set of streets in Reigate we knew it was 5 minutes to walk to the town centre, to nthe boys prospective school, to the preschool, to the rugby club, to the cricket club and to the woods. All in different directions, but everything on hand.

However the woods has become an utterly magical place for me. My running has become something I look forward to with glee and think about almost constantly. The woods are set at the bottom of Colley Hill with Pilgrim's Way running at the foot of the North Downs and the North Downs Way running across the top of the ridge. In fifteen minutes I can run up the 200 metre elevation from top to bottom and stand at what seems to me like the top of the world and look across the Mole Valley to the whole of South Surrey and into Sussex, it's quite the most incredible buzz I've ever had. Now to put this in to perspective it's still one of the most populus places in the country, the M25 runs about 400 metres behind the North Downs way at that point and as close as 50 metres at some points further along and this aint the wilds of Highland Scotland, but for a South London boy, who was worried about moving out, it feels like the wilds of the Himalayas. I feel like I've won the lottery without realising I'd even bought a ticket.

I've finally bought a new road bike which will cope with the climb to work, but when I was buying it, it struck me that i really ought to get a mountain bike as well so that I can ride some of the trails out the back. They're well worn routes used by mountain bikers and it would mean i could explore a lot more than on foot. It pretty arduous running with the hills and boggy old bridlepaths and I've only got about 7 miles - and that was circular - without being absolutley knackered, plus it takes bloody ages and I wouldn't fancy getting stuck down some woody footpath after dark.

Nicky and the boys are loving it as well, Nicky's been out running alot, which really isn't her passion at all. But, it's the fact that everything's in touching distance during the day, without having to haul the boys in and out of the car to get everywhere that she's loving. I think once she's stopped hacking up and down to school 4 days a week and gets time to sit still and find things to do with the boys during the week she'll be loving it even more.

I am looking forward to things settling down a bit, which once summer is over should help (we're away for 4 1/2 out of the next 6 weeks). We've got some great neighbours, lots of kids the same age as Eben and Louis, so loads of opportunities for friends and plenty of babysitting potential (hoorah).

In terms of me and the leukaemia, well we're getting on great. Well... I'm getting on great and the pernicious little bastard is starting to bugger off. My reaction to the Gleevac - which you may remember as the very targeted chaemotherapy/gene alteration treatment - has been superb, my blood counts came down to within a normal range within 4 weeks and they normally aim to have that sorted within 3 months and we are now into monitoring my BCRable count. Bascially this is a measure of the presence of the mutated gene in my bloods. I started out at 20/20 and the idea is to get that count down to 0/20 or undetectable. This is the point at which they can class me in molecular remission. My next measure of this is in early September, but in the meantime my clinic appointments are down from once a week to once a month which is fantastic news and apart from a sickness bug I picked up which took a little longer to clear up than it should have I have been fine.

As you can tell from above my training is back in full swing, I've been given the all clear to swim again which i haven't been able to do for 3 mnths for fear of infection. I'm probably over-doing it actually, but that's cancer or no-cancer, not because of the cancer itself. However what's heartening is I'm seeing my fitness levels increase on a weekly basis and prior to my diagnosis it didn't matter what I was doing I simply couldn't get beyond a certain point. So I'm definitely back aiming to do a triathlon, although I'm not sure I'll get one in before the end of the year now, so I'll have to wait until the season starts again next year, which isn't so bad as I'll be absolutely ready by then.

And that's me, I still haven't posted any pictures of the boys and I will do that in the very near future, I might include one of Louis's absolutely horrendous chicken pox that he's just getting over at the moment.

Don't panic, don't panic!!

I had a good day yesterday and a shitty night.

We've started to gradually pack up the house to move. Well actually we've started to clear away all the crap that's accumulated, that we haven't got round to doing anything with for the past 3 years, so that we can then start packing. You know how it is.

Anyway that lasted about an hour and a half until I started putting on CDs and Nic and I got dancing until around 11ish. Built up a fair old sweat we did, listening to classic tunes (from 2003/4) and then we went to bed.

I'd noticed on my ride back from work and when I'd been dancing that my spleen was giving me some jip, which is to be expected because your spleen helps in the over-production of white blood cells and swells up as a result. On top of that being off my drugs for a week has been nagging away at me. I keep wondering what's going on, how this things eating away at me with nothing to fight against it. How it might be affecting me.

It must have been nagging away at me much more than I realised because at 12.30 having gone to bed and fallen asleep - uncomfortably because i didn't want to lie on my spleen side - I woke up in a muck sweat and very short of breath. I'd been half expecting the nightsweats to return, as this was what alerted me to the fact something wasn't right in the first place, but they really came back with a vengeance. I was sat on the edge of the bed blowing manically and dripping wet, very disoriented and starting to get panicky, because all my focus went to my spleen and suddenly it felt like it was the size of a football. So I got up clutching my side and went down the corridor and sat on the loo for a couple of minutes then got back up again.

After a couple of minutes I got my composure back and stareted thinking you'll be fine, you're OK, it'll pass, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply and gradually I came out of the panic and I stopped sweating and once I relaxed I was left just with my spleen hurting.

I dropped in to the hospital this morning just to check that everything definitely was OK and I got a clean bill of health - well comparitively - however my registrar said to me.

'Are you back at work yet?'

'Errr, well yeah, I haven't actually taken any time off'

'Reeeeaally?'

'Well no, I haven't really felt the need to, to tell you the truth. I did go on holiday for a few days afterwards'

'Yeah but you had that booked already. Have you taken any time for yourself, to adjust to things?'

It was a question that threw me slightly, because I haven't taken any time for myself to adjust. It's made me think maybe I should take some time off. I consider myself fairly honest to myself and to those around me. When people have asked 'How are you?' and I've answered 'Fine under the circumstances', I don't think I've lied yet. I don't think I've yet put a front on for anyone. Now that could mean one of two things:

1. I'm fine and adjusting to things gradually and feeling fine

2. I'm in denial, feeling fine, but one of these days I'm going to breakdown and be a wreck

I can't help but feel that it's most likely to be the former. I've never been scared of a bit of therapy or taking time when I need it. I'm no longer someone who puts everything else in front of my well being. Equally, I don't consider myself a shirker either, I always front up.

But it got me thinking. Last night was a bona fide panic attack, it may well have been about a specific issue but nevertheless there's something going on up there, so I've agreed to get in touch with the psychotherapists that are attached to my Haematology unit, to talk things through with them.

I am however going to continue going to work as normal. I don't think it would do me any good to take time. I'm not sure what I'd do. The boys are at home during the day, so it's not like I'd get time to myself to think (I mean that in the nicest way) therefore I'm not sure it would serve the purpose.

And I've tried going away on my own before. I planned to go away hiking on my own for 4 days in the Peak District. At the end of the first day's yomping I headed home, walked through the door, walked in on Nicky, who had 2 friends to stay and when she asked:

'I thought you'd gone away to find yourself'

I said:

'Yeah I did. But I found myself a bit dull, so I thought I'd come home'

I then headed off to Kings Cross, clubbing with 2,000 other people.

I'm definitely better around other people.